he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
