shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
