My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
