He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I will be naked everywhere
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
