Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
