She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
