i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
