shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
