if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
