Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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