$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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