captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
