I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
