I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
