I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Still dying that you shit outside
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
