He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish you could order shots online.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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