The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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