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Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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