he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
