8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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