It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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