Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
