I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
