so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
