just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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