I want to stick my p in your. b.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
