Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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