she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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