my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The best revenge is premature balding
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
