I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
