i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
