is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
