I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
