I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
