sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
