It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
