im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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