You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
