FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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