I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
