OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
