I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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