Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
