Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
