How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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