Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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