The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I didn't notice because vodka
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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