Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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