i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
