she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
