i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
