some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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