I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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