I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
